Developing Boundaries
The only people who will have a problem with your boundaries, are those who benefitted from you not having any.
You know that having healthy relationships starts with having healthy boundaries, but what does that actually look like? How do you determine what your boundaries are, and then communicate them clearly? This can be easier said than done, ESPECIALLY in relationships that have a long standing history of pushing your boundaries or ignoring them altogether (certain family members come to mind)… Your boundaries are designed to keep you emotionally safe, communicate your needs, and leave both you and the other person feeling respected. They are your direct way of telling other people what your limitations are in terms of the time and energy you can give, as well as the type of behaviour you expect to receive from others. Notice that YOU alone have the power to determine what YOUR boundaries are, and who to enforce them with.
No one else gets to tell you how much you will give and receive.
To give you an idea of what healthy boundaries are we can use the example of a fence around your home. The fence defines the property line, and determines who can cross it and when. You may have a very tall, locking fence with gnarly barbed wire, or a cute little white picket fence dotted with flowers. When setting boundaries it can be helpful to imagine what type of fence you are trying to build, as this will determine how stern you need to be in setting that boundary, how people will receive it, and how you will respond when someone crosses it.
It is actually easier to set and hold barbed wire boundaries, as you are making it clear that this is something that you will absolutely not tolerate: “You may not cross this line without my express permission. P e r i o d.” What is more difficult is enforcing the boundary. Once you have stated this expectation, if someone crosses it you need to be willing to follow through with the repercussions. If you are unable to follow through on enforcing a boundary, you teach that person that the fence never really meant anything in the first place, and they can continue to treat you however they want.
Key point: You teach others how to treat you.
The grey area lies in the picket fence boundaries. These are the ones that are a little more challenging to define, but are still very useful in protecting your time and energy. They are good ‘gateway’ boundaries if you are just getting started, if the repercussions are not that significant, or if you are setting boundaries with certain people that you have decided you really don’t want to (or can’t) cut from your life. The picket fence signals to the other person what your needs are in a more flexible way.
How your frame the boundary and respond will determine for you whether it is a barbed wire or picket fence. What you determine is a barbed wire boundary with one person may need to be a picket fence boundary with another, so long as they do not drive you into self abandonment… but that is another whole topic for another day. If someone is persistently choosing to cross your boundaries despite you making them clear, you have to make a decision about how and whether you want to continue to have this person in your life. Believe me I know, this is extremely challenging, and at times heart breaking, but the only thing worse is sacrificing your own needs in service of someone else’s.
Regardless of the type of boundary, ensure they are direct, respectful and firm. Here are some examples:
“I’d rather not discuss my relationship/body/choices right now.”
“I can’t give you an answer to that right now. Can we schedule a time to talk about it when I’ve had some time to think about it?”
“When I get home from work I would appreciate 10 minutes of quiet time to myself to decompress, this will enable me to be fully present when we have dinner together.”
“I really want to discuss this when I can give you my full attention, can we talk about this in an hour?”
“I do not work on weekends, I’ll make sure to get back to you on Monday.”
“I can see you’re upset and I’d love to support you, but I don’t have the capacity right now. Is there someone else you can discuss this with?”
Starting to set boundaries can feel really uncomfortable at first if you’re not used to it. Sometimes it can be helpful to vocalise this with the people who you feel most safe: “I’m trying to set healthy boundaries for myself, so that I can show up better in my relationships/at work/etc.” Naming the discomfort can help to tame it, and help others to better understand where you are coming from.
Working with a counsellor can help you to clarify what boundaries are important to you, some of the ways to phrase them, and to gain confidence in expressing yourself assertively. When starting to set new boundaries it is important to be self compassionate, and to remember: